Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
