This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Randomize
