I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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