I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
