rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
