Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
