Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
