i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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