Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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