after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
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Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
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Im part way to drunk.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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