dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He passed out mid-signature
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
