nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Randomize
