you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
