btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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