my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
