If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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