apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
