hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
