my room smells like sperm. sweet.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
