I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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