I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
