Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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