i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
