rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Randomize
