so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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