It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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