how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
