Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It's shark week go big or go home
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
