Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
