she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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