Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
