After last night, I could never be a politician.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
