everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
