Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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