the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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