Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
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All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
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Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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