I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
