my phone needs a breathalizer
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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