So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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