The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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