Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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