Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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