who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
