Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just saw a hot homeless man
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
