I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
