Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
