My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
