So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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