dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
