I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just found puke in my bra..
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
