His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
