That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
