Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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