I cannot find my penis.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
