cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
