i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
