he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
