Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
