A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
